On Letting Go

There are more than enough creative (and somewhat cheesy) ‘Let It Go’ parodies floating around cyberspace right now. I promise this isn’t one. 🙂

This Friday I’m scheduled for knee surgery. Technically, it’s JUST a scope. But since they’re poking holes in my knee and (hopefully) fixing it, I’m calling that surgery. In fact, it might as well be some crazy-huge surgery, because I’m already freaking out over it a little bit. {Okay, maybe more than a little bit.}

This morning I went for my pre-op appointment – the one where they tell you all the ways that you could die while in surgery. Good gracious. The longer I was there, the more stressed I got. But as I made my way through the rest of my day, I realized that there was one thing that I had to start doing…. letting go.

Letting Go of What Could Be

I’m the queen of spinning scenarios in my head. I can come up with fifteen ways that any event could go down. Unfortunately, very few of the surgery scenarios I’ve spun end with favorable results.Playing these scenarios over and over in my mind has been causing anxiety, straining relationships, and magnifying exhaustion. (Funny how tiring thinking can be!)

As the nurse walked me through my pre-op appointment today, the scenarios started running again. When she took my blood pressure, we were both shocked when my normally-slightly-low numbers came up as 156 over something-I-don’t-remember. My stressing over scenarios is obviously not healthy.

I’ve got to let go of what could be and leave what WILL be in God’s hands.

Letting Go of Preparations

Don’t you just adore a good list? I love thinking through all the things that need done, organizing them into a list, and boldly swiping my Sharpie through them as I accomplish each one. As I’ve been preparing for surgery, my mind has been compiling list after list of things that need to happen before Friday.

I need to have meals in the freezer so dinner prep is easy.
I need to have all the laundry done.
I need to have the homeschool lesson plans ready.
I need to make homemade snacks so everyone is munching on healthy foods while I recover.
I need to do this, do that, do this, do that……..

On Sunday afternoon I broke down. I realized there was a week left and WAY more than a week’s worth of work to do. We still have a business to run in the midst of getting ready for post-op life! Our clients can’t just be put on hold. Instead, I need to learn to accept help.

My husband and daughter eagerly jumped in to help get the laundry going Sunday afternoon. They’ve since taken over cleaning up the kitchen and dealing with the dishwasher. Friends have offered to help with meals and a homeschool program we were scheduled to help with. My mom has volunteered to take our daughter to a friend’s birthday party. People are SO willing to help… IF I’m willing to let them.

I’ve got to let go of my own definition of perfection (which really isn’t perfect) and leave some of these tasks in the very capable hands of my friends and family.

Letting Go of the Process

I live by my calendar. We scheduled the surgery. I had the physical. I had the labs run. I had it all nailed down, knowing what was going to happen when and where. Calendar victory!

Then the labs came back. And some levels were off just enough that they’re saying we may have to postpone. As I type this, I’m living in limbo, not knowing for sure if this Friday is THE day or not. I’m waiting for calls from doctors, maybe more tests, and I don’t know what else to determine how and when we move forward.

I also don’t know exactly how extensive the surgery will be. The doctor has to make a decision once he’s started the procedure, and I’ve given him permission to choose either route. His decision affects my recovery time and my mobility levels after surgery.

I also have some less-than-pleasant surgery experience lingering in the recent past. There are people who are already at work, helping to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself. My sweet nurse was making notes in bright red pen today. The anesthesiologist added notes to his orders. I can’t control it, but these capable people are already working to provide a better experience this time.

I’ve got to let go of how it all happens and remember that God already knows all the details.

So if you pass by me this week and happen to hear me humming Disney’s ‘Let It Go’, know that I’m not planning to become the next YouTube sensation. I’m just offering myself a gentle reminder that it’s time to start letting go.